all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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