how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
