is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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