i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
