so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
BRING THE BAGELS
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
