Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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