Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
