just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
