I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
