U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
