I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
