I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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