boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Randomize
