i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
40s are totally the cure
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
