It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
