Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
