I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
a search helicopter?!
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
