I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
do nipples grow back?
the raccoons are back...
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