I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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