he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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