I'm so fucking centered right now
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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