My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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