she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
