The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
