I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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