Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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