evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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