I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
