this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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