Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
