On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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