John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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