We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
