Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
