forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
