If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
