i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
