Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
