its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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