i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
