Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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