Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
