Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
