hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
