you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
