Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I still have a little drunk in my system
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
