Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
