He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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