What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
