I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
